May 18th, 2013, West Hollywood, Friends' living room for coffee.
Regarding "Why did Fae feel she was being tracked or followed...."
There was a point that I failed to be more clear about than just hinting at it in passing. As I went into the effort of describing the numerous contacts I had created in the Hollywood bar, club, and restaurant scene that would text or give me a "courtesy" call whenever it was that Fae came into a place alone or accompanied, I forgot to mention our conversations after her return. It was only in those conversations that I would ask what she had done while she was "out" that it would come up as an honesty test, which she had proven to struggle with in our relationship as well as in her former life prior to me according to her. I usually only ask questions that I already know the answer to, but I ask to see weather or not you're gonna be honest or lie. When I kept asking her if she was sure that she was being honest with me about what she was saying, which she would scream and cry that she was, I'd inform her of why she hadn't been without revealing the sources of my information. Having that information and being able to call her 'bluff' likely also contributed to her sense of being tracked but more or less cause she really did have things to hide. I guess I would've just preferred her to be honest..I can work with that.
That, and she is a real person of habit or routine just as much as I am. We do this cause in an ever changing environment, you doing the changing or not, having a routine of some sort helps anyone keep it together. If Fae was off on a Sunday from the V.A., she would usually make it to target, shop, and usually run around the Melrose shops trading post stores or where ever she liked to go almost to a tee. It just so happen to be that I too have a lot of places that I went to then and still now in the same areas, and a couple of different times, I ran into her (not to mention her former vehicle was a large truck with a MN licence plate on it...dahhh).
Her need for routine, whether she knew it or not, had grown as our normal routine more or less had ceased in the last few weeks leading up to my departure for surgery. And for the record, I know she would say that I actually used a tracking device in her phone and vehicle to actually know where she was. Although it is true that my company does own that type of equipment (vehicle or cargo trackers....not phone trackers) I never used them to find her.....I just let her think that and believe it. I actually did tell her that I hadn't, but she didn't believe me. Overall, what I hoped would contribute to her journey to personal freedom worked.
"You often make it obvious that Fae drank a lot and all of the time, did you ever drink with her at all in all of that time?"
To point out a few things, the simple answer is, "Yes!" I did drink with her from the beginning, but definitely only a couple when she first got to California. I had my suspicions that she drank much, much more before she came down, but I think she was watching to see what my reaction to her drinking was. I didn't care that she drank at all, but I did care how much she did, meaning quantity in one day, cause it would lead to her having such a different personality, which was apparent before she came down from MN.
After I discovered that I did have cancer and eventually that it might actually kill me in the process of removing it, I drank a little more. I did this cause it made Fae seem to relax, and it also contradicted her own perception that I didn't like drinking or people that drank; it was something she would often say when I started to point out she was going over board. But, it was one of the only ways we could actually be in good spirits with each other when we did go out and when we did hang out with each other especially after my replacement started to intrude in our final times together. She could be very funny when she was buzzed or drunk, but she was also very frisky, or angry or all of the above, which was what it was then. All of that was brought into perspective in the two weeks that she did actually stop drinking as part of my request from her to deal with her arrest charges, etc. I could not drink at all, but she would struggle not to if it was in front of her.
After my return from my surgery, I did drink some to deal with, what seemed to be, the epic struggle of my return and the very obvious displacement of my replacement from my home while I was there. As many of the building staff and janitors became closer acquaintances (some for the wrong reasons), it was only a matter of time before the information of whom was at my former home while I was away for surgery or even before got back to me. Even now, I know exactly why Fae was so insistent that I move out and that I leave behind all of my furniture....cause she couldn't move over to her co-worker's place for not so obvious reasons--he didn't have a place and was still living with his mother in East Compton. I almost didn't leave. I nearly just gave away all of my furniture, the bedroom stuff for sure, instead of selling it to her just so her boy would actually have to man-up. Lol. But, I knew how she was gonna fall apart when the only other "routine" she knew was gonna be taken away, and I was filled with compassion for her. She didn't deserve it, but I felt it for her nonetheless. I can operate in changing environments very easily. But, Fae, she needed that part of her existence to be stable, and again, I don't know or think then that her co-worker had all of her interest in mind. So, I let her keep the place, and I sold her my bedroom things and gifted her a number of others. I did then and even now want her to feel she had somewhere she could go home to and feel safe, normal, and herself even if it meant I would be sleeping on friends' sofas and the occasional night by the beach in my jeep for a while.
You mention in the scene where you're doing the bail money check exchange you have a team, what does that mean and who are these people?
This is a very popular question that has come in to me from various places around the country as well as from abroad. The people or "my team" as I make reference to them are, for the most part, men and a woman that are former or current "independent contractors" with various backgrounds in either law enforcement, the military, or have other special skills or talents. A few of them I know from the service, and others I came into knowing while I was refining my own diverse skill sets cause I wasn't always a doctor. That being said, all of them are highly skilled personnel that will not hesitate to take your life if you pose a threat to them or anyone else for that matter. They were more than happy to help a friend out in need.
It is no secret to the police, military or any other 'law' related organization that coming 'heavy' to a scene means come armed or at least ready for some intervention. I had already made the arrangement the day before informing them on what the scene was gonna be like, and went over outcome scenarios with them. Again, all this cause I couldn't figure out why some guy would throw 2K at a gal he was more or less keeping in a rotation or just getting drunk to take advantage of that more welcoming side of her personality. More importantly, when those funds were needed with such urgency and had to involve the girl bringing it to him, like I said in the story, I didn't want to show up and end up with my pants down! So, I called in a favor.
Will you be moving home to MN now that she's not in your life?
That's a tough question. The not so obvious answer is maybe. What's more likely to happen, as had always been the plan, I'm gonna continue to work on building a home that my family can enjoy while I'm still single and use the place in the summer time. And when things start to get cold again, I'd resume working in California for the Winter. But, I still have cancer that I'm fighting, and it will likely bring me home temporarily so I can do the follow up surgery and subsequent treatments needed. I'd like to think that I can eat super foods, and keep up my work-out based life-style, but I'm also practical and know I don't know everything (I know YOU can't believe I just admitted that...YOU too were right.). So, we'll see what transpires. My MN docs are getting concerned that I haven't been back to do all of the above....I guess they didn't see that massive bill I got help from friends and family to pay down so I could actually schedule and see them. Go figure.
Do you think Fae is happy with her life and what turns out to be your replacement?
All I can honestly say is I really hope so. I hope that in spite of all of the bull sh*t we went through that she discovered not having to hide or find reasons to keep secrets from the people you say you love is actually very freeing. When everyone knows the same story and you can find a way to be comfortable with who you are and what you do with not only yourself but everyone else, you have truly discovered freedom and a better sense of peace that comes with it. A friend of mine that works at the same VA says she's happy or at least appears that she is with her tall co-worker! Lol. And, I guess that's what my ultimate "plan's" goal was...to help her be more happy, transparent, and honest...even if it excluded me. Making the situation so difficult forced her into being public with what she was doing in our situation. This was very hard cause it meant I would lose her as a friend in being distant, hard, and potentially cruel so she might find the only option out of her "nightmare" was to be honest (as much as she could). But having nothing to hide, no one to lie to or about is true freedom, and people either like you for what you are or they don't. "All things are one," is freeing but universal truth most people take a lifetime to discover. I've known that and wrote it in the story after I lived. So, I hope that reply works cause I really do want her to be safe and happy. (It was always my goal to get her to smile enough to see her teeth, cause she's so much more beautiful when she did...does).
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| I told her regularly she is beautiful, especially in this pic...I think she now agrees. Hahaha!! Playa Del Carmen, Mx, January, 2012 Next week a new blog topic will be started on the matter of happiness, joy, pain and suffering...I'll give it a title when it comes to me. Thank you for your readership...it has risen from a few dozen people to hundreds here and around the world. |
May 12th, 2013...Starbuck's Coffee. Mother's Day.
"Why did you take pictures of "Esteban's" car?"
The real reason was to create a legal "ought" with the local police department to take action. After I had verbally and fairly politely told "Esteban" to not contact me or any person in my house hold, I needed to show a clear and obvious violation of the request so the police, when the time came, could take action against this individual legally. I also did this so I knew who else was involved in the situation outside of himself considering the variety of different, but similar, cars that showed up.
Why do any of this? I did it because I was really unsure what was transpiring between Fae and her co-worker Esteban. Clearly after I informed him that Fae was still playing the role of my girlfriend in every aspect of a relationship, he got a little more aggressive with her. So either he was still not sure of either of our relationship status/activities or my "communicating to him" our relationship data got to him cause it was different than what Fae was likely telling him.
Eventually, it was obvious he was putting pressure on her to not be involved with me at all evident by her attempt to sleep on the sofa or visa versa. In the end, she would always wake up somewhere close by me...till she couldn't come home anymore after my return from surgery.
And really, any guy attempting to 'date' a gal that is living with a man she moved in with from out-of-state might actually still be having a relationship with him even if she's attempting to sabotage it with an outsider. Philosophically speaking, this becomes a matter of stealing in my book; one starts to acquire a debt to the person that they are "stealing" from directly or by usage of their property, success, relationship, etc. These are the debts that I mentioned I would let go in the story via letters in the chance of my expiration and that a very select few, although they may have found debt-cancellation, would have to ask for forgiveness of that debt...even in my passing.
Why was Fae paranoid that she was being tacked or followed?
This is a really good question, and the answer is much more complex then it appears in the story, but if you recall when I first meet Fae in Minneapolis, I mention I am a former lord of the nightlife. The gentlemen I was having drinks with that are know as "the Persians". They were a few of the nightclub/restaurant owners in town there and eventually here in Los Angeles with other investment groups. I know them, and they know me as a former "lord" of the nightlife industry. This is only important because of the nature of the nightlife industry anywhere--it is a system of old school information gathering and sharing....for the right price. Or as we say, "silence is golden". Having been a former lord of the nightlife, I had and continue to have information about everyone that cares to or not to have it know. It was clear to me very shortly after my year of running "the show" I would continue to work in the industry even after I had determined to leave it...cause information always surfaces at the wrong times and places and when you least expect it. I nearly removed myself from it-the nightlife industry- as completely as possible and work into a more reasonable one--healthcare. But when it comes to things in life, you have to know how to use your "knowledge" to help you in or out of situations or more importantly the ownership/management that may need an in or an out of legal situations.
How does that former experience tie into to the story? Before Fae had come into California and we had actually started to really work on a relationship, I had already started to make the rounds around the city of lost angel's nightclub, bar and restaurant scene. I made friends with the management of the establishments offering depth and insight to how their teams' operation of the crowd, the door and internal staff functioned or lacked in function to which they listened intently. Cause, after all, I am a regarded expert and have status among night club owners as a former lord. When Fae entered the scene, and we started to go out to the various places we did, the 'people' took note of her as my girlfriend and significant other, which is what she was and what they do. As time went on, and our places were part of her routine, their recognition of her grew so that when she showed up with someone else than me, cause she's very much a creature of habit, I'd get a text or "courtesy" call that she had made it and not alone. This is how I knew where she was regardless of whom she was with...the nightlife information society was in full operation then. As before, I didn't want to get caught up in it while I was working on my other professional career. So, even when Fae and me were still going out and trying "new" places I avoided some cause of the overall recognition I would get and didn't want to alarm her with considering.
Why did you stay with Fae after you discovered she was "starting" another relationship?
In retrospect, it really came down to hope that I was right about the girl I met a bar in my home town from and my home town, and those things are important to me. Eventually, I want to move back home, which may be happening sooner than I think considering my continued health situation. After I discovered that I had a cancer and the high level of likelihood that it might end me, I just wanted to live, for as long as I could, in the idea that I had actualized a life dream--that is to find a girl from the homeland that I could eventually marry and have mother our children if we decided to have any. Not to mention, it would be much easier to talk her into moving back to the cold and snow when the time came! LOL.
It also seemed to me that she was in an internal tail-spin. The reality of her choices in life in her previous relationship were actually real, and not just some imagined thing that she made up that she could fix by apologizing or saying something; the weight of it, her ex-husband's rejection of her and why, only started to sink in when he wouldn't talk to her any more. And somehow, that unsettled her a lot. This is potentially why she had drank so much before she came to California and why it either got worse or was the same considering you can only tell so much about a person via Skype, text or phone calls. In all of that, and the types of moods and persona she would go into when she was drinking, made me feel compelled to not leave her---cause even if I was f'n up really bad and was a complete a-hole, I would hope to have one friend to stick by me cause they could see through the b-sh*t that I was worth something to them, and I loved her; it was only part of my commitment to her to not leave just cause she was loosing it or lost. (REO SpeedWagoon just started playing in my head...Keep On Loving You.) In the end, you can only fight darkness with light, and you can only fight hate with love (MLK).
May 5th, 2013, Los Angeles, CA...Starbuck's Coffee, Melrose.
In the later part of the story, you mention that "something had to die", why did you write that would be you?
As it turns out, people live 90% of their lives in their head, and when they isolate themselves from other people, they start to believe what they're telling themselves is true as there is no outside reference point. The story that Fae was telling herself and the world at large seemed to have a few components driving it; there was an antagonist (the so called villain) and a protagonist (the good guy) and the props (the people being moved around to create the scene or a sensation of the scene.
There is a relationship that exist between the antagonist and necessarily the protagonist in that one necessarily needs the other to be who they are to the affected person--the person in need of being saved or rescued from someone or something. If you remove one or the other (antagonist/protagonist), they loose their "sensational good or bad" quality and eventually have to show their true or intentional value based on their character. This is to say that the person one makes out to be "bad" only makes anyone else seem so "good" in relationship to themselves and the situation. But if there is no reference point for one or the other, the protagonist or the antagonist respectively, become obsolete. There then is no good guy or no longer bad guy; they're just two individuals without a real purpose until someone gives them one or the situation forces them to be one or the other role. This was the case in our story, we were forced into a situation that made us who we, Esteban and myself, were in relationship to Fae.
The only way to dismantle the polarization of myself to her, the "mule", and Fae's family and friends was to exit and let the situation go to neutral. It just turned out that I had a necessitated reason to exit--life saving surgery and she needed someone to replace me socially and and personally in either event--I lived or died. But, when you remove the polarization, then, everybody can be themselves, as much as anyone can be, and see if there was really a reason to be up in arms or fizzle and become null.
What was not obvious until later, is that everyone else was being sold variations of the same "story" about what was actually happening between Fae and me. I knew about Fae and her continued dialog with her ex-husband, but her parents or friends didn't know she was still attempting to get back into her "old life". Her husband actually called her out on it and attempted to keep her at a distance, but he didn't, cause after I informed her I had cancer, she used the information to open a door of being stranded on her own in California versus we could get along with each other and only argued. This was true. We did argue a lot before I found out I had cancer due to the discover of her "wanting her ex-husband", and we argued after I informed her I had cancer and had changed my nature toward her--these arguments were directed at her drinking and continued running around with her co-worker. What everyone else didn't know, till I informed them, was that Fae had already started to "allow" Esteban into our relationship. This was when the situation became even more complicated.
As our life story was being communicated and necessarily believed by "Fae" to her family, friends, ex-husband, and Esteban, the her belief that someone needed to "help" her was evident. The question was, "help her from what?" It was a question I had to ask myself being one of the multiple parties involved. From the correspondence between her and her ex-husband, and her ex-husband and me directly, she was attempting to create a polarized situation between us so she could get her husband's attention and help. He, her ex-husband, informed me via text and phone conversation that she was trying to get him to join her in California and start over again, if he would stop "F'n" his live-in girlfriend, which was their former bridesmaid in their wedding. She hadn't anticipated that I would not only reach out to her ex-husband for information but that I actually just had their back and forth dialog via email in front of me as we spoke. It was why I informed him to be careful what he said as I would hold him accountable for all of the words that came out of his mouth.
Keeping a high level of detailed relational information was nothing new for me in my serious relationships, and my relationship with Fae was no different. I kept track of everything we did for our own personal relationship development, birth controlling, and fact checking but also cause somethings, attitudes, and changes in her mood were evident even before she came to California, and they often didn't make sense. I have all of it from day one that we met. This eventually didn't sit well with Fae as it made her accountable for gaps in her story to me about various other people in her past and their overlap into our time together. It was never a big deal until she clearly started to "blur" the facts.
Any communication between me and any of the above stated parties was strictly forbidden by Fae. When I had gone home for my 20 year high school reunion, I had extended an offer to her father to meet me for coffee. He and myself had been on talking terms even though "Fae" had determined that we shouldn't be talking. I disagreed stating that it is very appropriate that a man continue to inform the father of the woman he's involved with periodically on how things are going considering I moved his daughter out of state. When we did actually meet, at his request, she essentially "punished" him for not following her instructions to not talk to me. I thought it was a bit extreme for her to cut him off, but she did.
Nearly two months later, when I had to drop off my keys for her soon-to-be-visiting sister to take back to California, her father informed me that she hadn't spoken to him since our earlier meet up for coffee. I couldn't believe it. In my conversation with him, I had informed him that I did love and care for his daughter, and the the nature of our getting along, at that time, was largely based on the continued conversation she was having with her ex-husband.
Her father was shocked! Lol. Why? He was shocked cause her husband, the guy that put a gun to her head, and beat her dog, and abused her as she stated, was the last person her father thought she would be talking to for help to get home to MN or be in a relationship with again, but she was. So it stood to reason to me later that either she made all of it up or it had really happened, or like at that moment, she hadn't been all so up front about what had actually happened in their marriage that would've lead to that type of behavior in the first place or her father's response at that moment. Her father never knew what the actual cause of their marital debacle was till that conversation over coffee. He wouldn't learn that she had started another relationship with her co-worker till after she got arrested and realized all of the story-lines she was feeding everyone were about to collide at one time in a public forum, which was either gonna be in court or here. Either would force her to either be honest or try harder to bury the truth of it all. I guess we'll see how things turn out.
May 2, 2013 Los Angeles, CA...Starbucks Coffee, Melrose
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| Facing East toward the Homeland-MN, and One finger to the sky to acknowledge the Almighty and the Oneness of our lives..........
As every story has more to it than what you actually get to read, so does mine. There are parts, details, and just plain background information that you "infer" as a writer so that your reader either thinks about it or recalls it at a different point in the story. That being the case, I had a number of questions come into me about various items in the story. Of course, those people actually know me personally and have a means to contact me and ask, but as in the original birthday post above, you can reach me at my email address: drfiltroy@goldennorthstar.com. The questions will be listed first, and my reply will follow. Some questions were very similar in nature, so if you don't see yours in there directly, read through the reply; the answer to your question may be in there. Also, some questions I'll not be able to answer for legal reasons and for the protection of peoples identities. However, if you're in my country and happen to be in my state and city, email me, and we can arrange a meet and greet.
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What is the current status of your health condition?
As it stands two days ago, I have still not been "cleared" status. I had a bunch of blood test done to determine a few things, but more importantly if I'm getting better, staying the same, or getting worse. Either way, the follow surgery to remove the remaining portion of my Left Thyroid will hopefully get scheduled in June. There is a part of me that feels I can holistically bring the remaining cancer cells out of existence and hence the blood testing, etc. Otherwise, the standard is to remove any effected tissues, radiation therapy, and some supplementation.
I've been waiting to do any of the follow up work for really two basic reasons: the first is I didn't then have health coverage, and the bill I received after I payed out the several thousand bucks is overwhelming. And as my insurance will not cover it presently as its a "pre-existing condition" I couldn't actually schedule the follow up treatment cause I just couldn't afford it. What came out of this, on the other hand, was a response from a few family and friends that started working toward raising some of the money needed to actually pay-off/down the initial amount owed (some 18.5K) so I could at least schedule the surgery. With some "good will" dialog, and the actual fundraising page set up by one of my friends, I got the hospital to discount the cost by almost 45%. It brought the cost down so that I could put the balance on a payment plan and clear the red tape to schedule the follow up intervention therapies. So, till then, as it has been every day I talked to my surgeon January 30, I wake up knowing I'm in an on-going struggle for my health, and as I continue to believe that I will win, I grow stronger (most days).
What is the actual time-line of events?
This is slightly important if you didn't read the story in one sitting. So take a look below. There is one additional trip home that I cant place yet, but it was a talk through with my surgeon and my family about what to expect if I passed or lived. But it was
-May 27, 2011: I meet Fae in Minneapolis, MN while home on vacation
-June 12, 2012: Fae and me drive to California from MN
-Sept, 27, 2012 Fae goes home to visit MN, my dialog with her ex-husband begins
-Oct 12, 2012: I get word from my Endocrinologist I positive for cancer cells
-Oct 16, 2012: Fae starts to "hang-out" with work people, and necessarily starts Txt "Esteban"
-Nov 5, 2012: Fae doesn't make it back to the apartment for the first time-starts her "new" relationship
-Nov 6, 2012: I tell Fae I had been informed I have cancer & need follow up in MN 1.5 weeks later
-Nov 15. 2012: Fly home for follow up studies and get informed of nature of the situation
-Nov 28 2012: Have a verbal conversation with Esteban about respecting my home and household.
-Dec 28, 2012: (Friday) Fae gets arrested
-Dec 30, 2012: (Sunday) Bail money exchange at the Citadel Shopping outlet mall
-Jan 18, 2013: (Saturday) I fly home to MN for the Surgery
-Jan 22, 2013: Surgery at North Memorial, Minneapolis, MN
-Jan 28, 2013: Return to California home to move
-Feb 2, 2013: Move out of our shared apartment
Do you still or are you still in love with "Fae"?
That's a combination question cause it involved two different things. I often talk about "being in love" and "choosing to love" someone. Being "in love" with someone is an experience that happens to you; you aren't necessarily in control of it. There is a component in our being that is eternal, and in that component comes this enigma we call love. There is one of it-love- in us, and we share it with others or it shares itself with others when the conditions are right. That being said, we have a love component in our being that we share with hopefully one person our entire life. But, sometimes things happen, and we end up sharing it with more than one person. As this happens, it and we become guarded against what may become hurt. And even though we move on or get over people the hurt sometimes remains or our love enigma remembers it. I do feel hurt or not, our love enigma continues to try and connect with people or a person all our life. Sometimes we get "lucky" and we succeed in finding a person to share love. There is the separation of that connection, at times, and the part of "being in love" that we're not in control of going into, a relational connection, or necessarily falling out of it. We may choose to move on, but we have to let time help us "get over" someone.
All of that to answer the above question. I still have a part of me that hasn't moved on entirely; I know this cause the stupid music from Mummford and Sons starts to play in my head when I see things or even see Fae herself on my way to work--we have to drive down the same three mile strip of Santa Monica Blvd to get to our respective work place; every now and then, I see her driving. I have stopped choosing to love her or to use the analogy above, "I've moved on, but a part of my hasn't gotten over" the situation completely yet.
Would you be involved with her in the future?
We're taught to forgive in the Bible, and although I'm not all that religious now and days, I do apply a number of the principles. Maybe in another life-time when she learns whatever it is she needs to in this one. If she asked me for help on something, I would do this based on the fact that she's from the Homeland; I like people from the Homeland, and I would stop to help them if they needed me to.
April 29th, 2013 Uptown, Minneapolis, MN
When I think about how nice the weather is outside, I remember why I keep visiting to the Homeland. Today is my birthday, and I'm following suit with what would normally be my way of spending it; I'll be having breakfast at my favorite breakfast place, which is Al's Breakfast, in Dinktown; I'll have a meal on my own so I can write in my Red Book life journal and give an account of this last year of life's events, and I'll likely have drinks with whatever number of friends can make it to whatever place we can agree on as being easiest to get to.
The number of questions that came in to me about the story more or less have a similar theme or two. I do have them typed and written up, but I unfortunately realized after I got on the plane that the drive is sitting in my jeep. I know. I was sure I was rushing to not miss my flight..... But, when I do get in and have gotten settled in, I will upload it, and hopefully you'll see your question there being answered
